Janurary 15, 2009

So today Evan turned 4.

How in the hell did that happen?

I can remember sitting at this exact computer and staring at his photo when he was still in Guatemala. I remember thinking if I just stare at it long enough he will move. I remember July 16, 2005 like it was yesterday. Waiting in the hotel room for him, we didn't know what he would be like, we were just waiting for him. I remember waking up that next morning, after not really sleeping much, just checking to make sure he was breathing all night. He just looked over the crib and we put him right in bed with us. I remember dressing him so wrong. Taking everything that was 3 sizes too big, not ever putting socks or shoes on him, which is total taboo in Guatemala. Who knew? Not me. I just wanted to hold him next to me and look. I just wanted to touch his skin and feel his breath in my ear. I remember giving him a bath, we of course have it on video, and he slipped in my hands. I was sitting on the wet floor, with a new baby, who was squirming, and he just kinda slipped. Not that anything happened, but I remember watching that video when we came home, because we did not have kids yet, so that is what we did. And now when I think of that it makes me laugh. We watched that video over and over. I remember that dreadful morning when Mike went down at 6 am to get coffee and the foster family was already there to pick him up. Mike came back to the room and he looked like he had seen a ghost. Evan was still asleep. So Mike filmed more of him, just sleeping. We had to wake him up, get him dressed, get all of his new clothes packed ... and give him back. Back to a foster family that I knew loved him, but I wanted to love him. I did not want someone else taking care of my little guy. Mike and I cried so hard. It was so hard coming home. I had taken 5 rolls of film, back in the old days when you actually used a 35 mm camera. I developed them all, paid the extra to get them back in one hour. Took all 135 photos with me everywhere that I went. Showed them to everyone. Explained to them about each outfit, and why he was sleeping in this photo or that photo. He didn't do much at six months. But I looked at those pictures and my friends were kind enough to look with me and let me cry. And cry I did. Seems like I couldn't stop.

Wow.

Seems like a million years ago. Now I have a four year old little boy. Who talks non-stop. Who tells me everyday 'I love you little mama'. Who fights with his brother. Who wants to only have chocolate milk. Who loves and loves to play Thomas the Train. Who wants to know how the snow got on the ground. Who wants to know if I have ever been in a submarine. Who loves his daddy. Who helped me make his chocolate cake today.

Wow.

How lucky are we?

I love you little Evan.